A Letter To My Son {Month 10}

Little Prince,

Another month has flown by in record time... The hours turn into days, the days into weeks, and the weeks into months in what feels like a wink of the eye. I want to make time stop. I want to hit pause. But much to my dismay, and despite my best efforts, every morning you wake up a little bigger than the day before... This month has been different than the  previous months, this month my emotions progressed from the sadness over no longer having a tiny baby to a new level of heart griping fear. I have never been fearful of much of anything so this new found anxiety is a surprising one - definitely not what I expected to be feeling. But precious boy of mine, everything about you makes me question everything about me... Let me explain...

There are different types of fears that mommies face. There are the obvious ones - 

Exhibit A: The thought of a bad guy snatching you away from me! If I really sat and thought about someone taking you from me and your daddy I would never leave the house, but honestly the danger of you being kidnapped doesn't seem very real. You are virtually always within my reach and never out of my sight. I always park in well lit areas and if I do feel some "stranger danger" paranoia looming over us, I hold you so close to my body that I worry I might be squeezing the breath out of you. Bad guys are very scary, but they aren't the type of fear that keeps me up at night. 

Exhibit B: Bodily harm. The other night we were at your Grammy's house with your Uncle Caleb, Aunt Ashlee, Brooks and Kamryn. Brooks has a new toy that prepares him for a big boy bicycle by teaching him how to balance - it looked just like a regular bike but without pedals. Ol' Brooksy could make that thing FLY! He was whizzing around on Grammy's driveway, leaning the bike over right to the point of tipping at every turn, but never fell! He rode it effortlessly and we were all incredibly impressed... While the boys were oohing and ahhing over Brooks's athletic prowess, I stood in awe at Brooks's mommy. While everyone else watched our little nephew, I couldn't help but watch Ashlee. People always tell you when you have kids its like your heart walks around outside of your body - I couldn't agree more. I wanted so badly to ask her what it felt like to watch your baby, your heart, your everything, whiz by you all while knowing sooner or later the crash would come. Eventually the tilt would be a little too much, or the corner would be a little too sharp, or the bike would go a little too fast and Brooks would meet the pavement... How was she being so brave? How could she stand there smiling and clapping? Was she screaming "Slow down! Be careful!" in her head? Does the courage of the mommy grow with the child because right now I get a pit in my stomach every time you pull open a drawer or cabinet because I know you won't leave it alone until your little fingers have been smashed at least one time. At this rate your daddy will have to put me on Xanax for me to be able to watch you ride a bike! But when I take a deep breath and a step back I remember that in all my growing up days, no bike wreck left a scab that I didn't outgrow. As much as I want to make you wear a helmet 24/7 and wrap you in rolls of bubble wrap, I know that bumps and bruises are part of growing up, they are a necessary evil, a part of how we learn. So, even though I dread the day of the big boy bike, I sleep in peace despite the fear of bodily harm.

Exhibit C: Real, true health issues. I know way too many people with really sick babies. From brain tumors to heart issues to "the doctors don't know yet," the thought of you getting sick is really, really scary... like more scary than I will let my mind imagine. But, realistically, there is nothing in the world I can do to prevent or protect you from a serious health ailment and if, Heaven forbid, you ever had one, there wouldn't be a thing in the world I could do to fix it other than pray. So that's what I do! Every day I cover you from head to toe in prayer and I know that God's got you! He is in control of all things and he loves you more than even I do - and with utter and complete faith in Him, I can sleep well at night.

I walked into this whole "Mommy gig" fully expecting to be afraid of A, B and C. Those I was ready for... Those aren't the fears that keep me up at night... Much to my surprise, the fear that makes my stomach turn is the fear of my own insufficiency and this month I realized just how damaging my short comings could be for you. This month I saw that your only limitation in life right now is me. ME. I'm it. I'm your hold up. And that's absolutely terrifying...

Here's how this went - we were in our hotel in Spain and your daddy and I were trying to get ready for the day, taking turns entertaining you while the other got dressed. Daddy was holding you and you very clearly reached for me and said, "Momma." I blew it off as a fluke,  but you were persistent. You would say a "Momma" here, and a "Momma" there and each time they made sense in relation to what was going on. You would want me to hold you or I would go around the corner, each time you would respond with a perfect sounding "Momma." So, with great pride and joy we acknowledged "Momma" as your first word and then once I had decided you were capable of saying words, we started practicing other words... and within two days you were talking! And while I was celebrating your new found words with you on the outside, my inside was cringing and questioning and worrying about what you could have been saying months ago if I had practiced with you. 

I had fallen short for you. I had underestimated you. Throughout the month, I saw examples of this over and over. A play date with a friend who did all of these adorable hand tricks which you watched and then repeated immediately... How did I miss that you were so ready and eager to learn?! Was I so caught up and absorbed in your physical growth that I had completely overlooked the fact that your little mind was constantly stretching and expanding as well?! Was I so hung up on meeting your physical needs that I failed to challenge you mentally? Oh, how I had dismissed your little mind because "You were just a baby." 

This Momma-fail hurt worse than the time I let you fall off the bed. This Momma-fail made me feel like I was missing my big picture purpose. This Momma-fail left me lying in bed at night wondering what you were capable of and whether or not I was capable of doing you justice. 

Precious son of mine, I am so sorry. I am sorry for the times I underestimate you. I am sorry in advance for the times I will push you too much. I know there will be days when I demand more from you than you think you are able to give, but sweet boy, you are capable of anything under the sun. I am sorry for my failure to teach. I am sorry for the times when you don't want to learn and I insist. I am sorry that it will be a constant struggle to find the balance. I am sorry that you got stuck with me instead of an early childhood education major who could most likely turn you into a child wonder. I am sorry for the moments when I treat you like a baby and I am sorry for the times I treat you too much like an adult.  I am sorry for the things that you will face that I failed to prepare you for. I am sorry that even when you are a full grown man I'll most likely still be imposing my thoughts, insights and opinions on you even when you don't ask. The list of "I'm sorrys" will never end... when you are old and gray I will most likely still have sleepless nights of worrying that I didn't do enough. Please know, that when I fall short and when I go to far, I always want what is best for you. I don't want to be your limiting factor. Even today when you aren't even a year old, I can stare into your eyes and be wildly intimidated. Someday you will be some precious baby's daddy and you will understand. 

I love you Little Prince. I promise to always give you my best and you can bet that each night before I go to bed, I have a long talk with God about you... and I thank Him for filling in the gap when I am not enough.

All my love,
Mommy

TEN Month Milestones:

Eye Color - Looking like darrrrk brown.

Weight - 20 lbs 2 oz (45%) I feel pretty confident that you lost weight while we were on vacation... you ate a LOT of bread, but didn't really care to eat much more past that except gelato of course. Haha! 

Height - 30.5 inches (97%)

Your head is still coming in at an impressive 100%

Clothing - 12 to 18 month clothes.

Nicknames - Little Prince, Coop, El Toro.

Hair - The fact that I haven't taken you to get your hair cut is borderline shocking. It's time. It's starting to curl on the ends. Even Uncle Awesome told me I need to take you to get a trim and he's not exactly known for having the most well kept hair! Hopefully we will slow down soon and get that marked off our to-do list.

Teeth - You have six! Four on top, two on bottom.

Crawling - Full speed! You are one fast little booger - you crawl everywhere and pull up on everything! 

Walking - Still not walking on your own! While in Barcelona, you were pushing your stroller (by yourself) and stopped, let go and took three steps to reach the park bench that you instantly started drumming. Daddy and I did our best to recreate the scenario so you would do it again, but you were no longer interested. People everywhere tell us, "Oh he'll be walking in no time!" but we've heard that for months now... and we are fine with it! You'll walk when you want to and we'll enjoy this time of only a semi-mobile baby!

You added a few new tricks to your bag this month: Talking. While in Spain you officially became verbal. You say "Momma" very clearly - especially when crying - "Mom-maaaaa!" Daddy took the fact that you said Momma first very well and to reward him you started the "Da-ddy, Da-ddy" two days later! 

Daddy is also getting kisses now! He bribes you, you kiss him, he acts like a crazy happy fool, you laugh and the process starts over. Pretty darn cute.

You attended "Music Camp" this month and I could not have been more amazed at how you did! They moved us up to a older class (2 and under) and you just jumped right in!! Mrs. Ginger would say, "Okay, everyone come up and get (insert musical instrument here)" and all the kids got up, walked forward... Cooper hops out of my lap and starts crawling toward the front... the kids get the instruments... Cooper waits his turn... the kids are very careful not to step on his fingers and walk back to their moms... Cooper gets his instruments, starts crawling back, stops to clap for himself! This was one of the most fun things I've watched in a very long time. The Little Prince loved music camp. He loved mimicking the big kids. He loved staring in awe at Mrs. Ginger and the fun she brings. He loved glow in the dark day. He loved the puppet show. He loved every single bit of it and I loved watching him have so much fun. 

Food this month has been kind of tricky. Spain definitely complicated things. You would crush breakfast (per usual), then we'd eat a light lunch (so you'd just eat bread), we'd get you some fruit snack (grapes or strawberries) and then dinner... The Spaniards don't even open restaurants for dinner until 8:30pm! So as we waited for our dinner, you'd throw a crazy-wild fit because you were starving and then you'd either (a) be too mad to eat, (b) fall asleep or (c) crush so much bread leading up to dinner that you were no longer hungry. Then of course we'd finish the night with gelato because it was vacation after all. Did I mention that nowhere in the entire country of Spain do they have high chairs?! Most bizarre thing ever. Finally we found one at breakfast at the last place we stayed - we sat you in it and you were sooooo happy and clapped and clapped! You did not like the fact that your independence was hampered by sitting in our laps one bit.

I can not stress what an incredibly good baby you are. Our travel day home from Spain took exactly 24 hours and you literally did not cry the entire time (with the small exception of when daddy slammed your finger in the tray, but even that little cry was only for about two seconds). We literally dragged you around the world and you were nothing but agreeable. You smiled, you flirted and you insisted on being breastfed in the most awkward places (bullfight, Prado museum, the Palace... I could go on...). It was an absolute joy traveling with you - you engage people everywhere! And the most amazing thing is that they all smiled, waved, and talked to you... from the little old ladies, to the business men, to the people I would have been a little afraid of normally - you held no bias and they returned the courtesy. It was really rather amazing to me! As always, you made us extremely proud...