A Letter To My Son {Month 10}

Little Prince,

Another month has flown by in record time... The hours turn into days, the days into weeks, and the weeks into months in what feels like a wink of the eye. I want to make time stop. I want to hit pause. But much to my dismay, and despite my best efforts, every morning you wake up a little bigger than the day before... This month has been different than the  previous months, this month my emotions progressed from the sadness over no longer having a tiny baby to a new level of heart griping fear. I have never been fearful of much of anything so this new found anxiety is a surprising one - definitely not what I expected to be feeling. But precious boy of mine, everything about you makes me question everything about me... Let me explain...

There are different types of fears that mommies face. There are the obvious ones - 

Exhibit A: The thought of a bad guy snatching you away from me! If I really sat and thought about someone taking you from me and your daddy I would never leave the house, but honestly the danger of you being kidnapped doesn't seem very real. You are virtually always within my reach and never out of my sight. I always park in well lit areas and if I do feel some "stranger danger" paranoia looming over us, I hold you so close to my body that I worry I might be squeezing the breath out of you. Bad guys are very scary, but they aren't the type of fear that keeps me up at night. 

Exhibit B: Bodily harm. The other night we were at your Grammy's house with your Uncle Caleb, Aunt Ashlee, Brooks and Kamryn. Brooks has a new toy that prepares him for a big boy bicycle by teaching him how to balance - it looked just like a regular bike but without pedals. Ol' Brooksy could make that thing FLY! He was whizzing around on Grammy's driveway, leaning the bike over right to the point of tipping at every turn, but never fell! He rode it effortlessly and we were all incredibly impressed... While the boys were oohing and ahhing over Brooks's athletic prowess, I stood in awe at Brooks's mommy. While everyone else watched our little nephew, I couldn't help but watch Ashlee. People always tell you when you have kids its like your heart walks around outside of your body - I couldn't agree more. I wanted so badly to ask her what it felt like to watch your baby, your heart, your everything, whiz by you all while knowing sooner or later the crash would come. Eventually the tilt would be a little too much, or the corner would be a little too sharp, or the bike would go a little too fast and Brooks would meet the pavement... How was she being so brave? How could she stand there smiling and clapping? Was she screaming "Slow down! Be careful!" in her head? Does the courage of the mommy grow with the child because right now I get a pit in my stomach every time you pull open a drawer or cabinet because I know you won't leave it alone until your little fingers have been smashed at least one time. At this rate your daddy will have to put me on Xanax for me to be able to watch you ride a bike! But when I take a deep breath and a step back I remember that in all my growing up days, no bike wreck left a scab that I didn't outgrow. As much as I want to make you wear a helmet 24/7 and wrap you in rolls of bubble wrap, I know that bumps and bruises are part of growing up, they are a necessary evil, a part of how we learn. So, even though I dread the day of the big boy bike, I sleep in peace despite the fear of bodily harm.

Exhibit C: Real, true health issues. I know way too many people with really sick babies. From brain tumors to heart issues to "the doctors don't know yet," the thought of you getting sick is really, really scary... like more scary than I will let my mind imagine. But, realistically, there is nothing in the world I can do to prevent or protect you from a serious health ailment and if, Heaven forbid, you ever had one, there wouldn't be a thing in the world I could do to fix it other than pray. So that's what I do! Every day I cover you from head to toe in prayer and I know that God's got you! He is in control of all things and he loves you more than even I do - and with utter and complete faith in Him, I can sleep well at night.

I walked into this whole "Mommy gig" fully expecting to be afraid of A, B and C. Those I was ready for... Those aren't the fears that keep me up at night... Much to my surprise, the fear that makes my stomach turn is the fear of my own insufficiency and this month I realized just how damaging my short comings could be for you. This month I saw that your only limitation in life right now is me. ME. I'm it. I'm your hold up. And that's absolutely terrifying...

Here's how this went - we were in our hotel in Spain and your daddy and I were trying to get ready for the day, taking turns entertaining you while the other got dressed. Daddy was holding you and you very clearly reached for me and said, "Momma." I blew it off as a fluke,  but you were persistent. You would say a "Momma" here, and a "Momma" there and each time they made sense in relation to what was going on. You would want me to hold you or I would go around the corner, each time you would respond with a perfect sounding "Momma." So, with great pride and joy we acknowledged "Momma" as your first word and then once I had decided you were capable of saying words, we started practicing other words... and within two days you were talking! And while I was celebrating your new found words with you on the outside, my inside was cringing and questioning and worrying about what you could have been saying months ago if I had practiced with you. 

I had fallen short for you. I had underestimated you. Throughout the month, I saw examples of this over and over. A play date with a friend who did all of these adorable hand tricks which you watched and then repeated immediately... How did I miss that you were so ready and eager to learn?! Was I so caught up and absorbed in your physical growth that I had completely overlooked the fact that your little mind was constantly stretching and expanding as well?! Was I so hung up on meeting your physical needs that I failed to challenge you mentally? Oh, how I had dismissed your little mind because "You were just a baby." 

This Momma-fail hurt worse than the time I let you fall off the bed. This Momma-fail made me feel like I was missing my big picture purpose. This Momma-fail left me lying in bed at night wondering what you were capable of and whether or not I was capable of doing you justice. 

Precious son of mine, I am so sorry. I am sorry for the times I underestimate you. I am sorry in advance for the times I will push you too much. I know there will be days when I demand more from you than you think you are able to give, but sweet boy, you are capable of anything under the sun. I am sorry for my failure to teach. I am sorry for the times when you don't want to learn and I insist. I am sorry that it will be a constant struggle to find the balance. I am sorry that you got stuck with me instead of an early childhood education major who could most likely turn you into a child wonder. I am sorry for the moments when I treat you like a baby and I am sorry for the times I treat you too much like an adult.  I am sorry for the things that you will face that I failed to prepare you for. I am sorry that even when you are a full grown man I'll most likely still be imposing my thoughts, insights and opinions on you even when you don't ask. The list of "I'm sorrys" will never end... when you are old and gray I will most likely still have sleepless nights of worrying that I didn't do enough. Please know, that when I fall short and when I go to far, I always want what is best for you. I don't want to be your limiting factor. Even today when you aren't even a year old, I can stare into your eyes and be wildly intimidated. Someday you will be some precious baby's daddy and you will understand. 

I love you Little Prince. I promise to always give you my best and you can bet that each night before I go to bed, I have a long talk with God about you... and I thank Him for filling in the gap when I am not enough.

All my love,
Mommy

TEN Month Milestones:

Eye Color - Looking like darrrrk brown.

Weight - 20 lbs 2 oz (45%) I feel pretty confident that you lost weight while we were on vacation... you ate a LOT of bread, but didn't really care to eat much more past that except gelato of course. Haha! 

Height - 30.5 inches (97%)

Your head is still coming in at an impressive 100%

Clothing - 12 to 18 month clothes.

Nicknames - Little Prince, Coop, El Toro.

Hair - The fact that I haven't taken you to get your hair cut is borderline shocking. It's time. It's starting to curl on the ends. Even Uncle Awesome told me I need to take you to get a trim and he's not exactly known for having the most well kept hair! Hopefully we will slow down soon and get that marked off our to-do list.

Teeth - You have six! Four on top, two on bottom.

Crawling - Full speed! You are one fast little booger - you crawl everywhere and pull up on everything! 

Walking - Still not walking on your own! While in Barcelona, you were pushing your stroller (by yourself) and stopped, let go and took three steps to reach the park bench that you instantly started drumming. Daddy and I did our best to recreate the scenario so you would do it again, but you were no longer interested. People everywhere tell us, "Oh he'll be walking in no time!" but we've heard that for months now... and we are fine with it! You'll walk when you want to and we'll enjoy this time of only a semi-mobile baby!

You added a few new tricks to your bag this month: Talking. While in Spain you officially became verbal. You say "Momma" very clearly - especially when crying - "Mom-maaaaa!" Daddy took the fact that you said Momma first very well and to reward him you started the "Da-ddy, Da-ddy" two days later! 

Daddy is also getting kisses now! He bribes you, you kiss him, he acts like a crazy happy fool, you laugh and the process starts over. Pretty darn cute.

You attended "Music Camp" this month and I could not have been more amazed at how you did! They moved us up to a older class (2 and under) and you just jumped right in!! Mrs. Ginger would say, "Okay, everyone come up and get (insert musical instrument here)" and all the kids got up, walked forward... Cooper hops out of my lap and starts crawling toward the front... the kids get the instruments... Cooper waits his turn... the kids are very careful not to step on his fingers and walk back to their moms... Cooper gets his instruments, starts crawling back, stops to clap for himself! This was one of the most fun things I've watched in a very long time. The Little Prince loved music camp. He loved mimicking the big kids. He loved staring in awe at Mrs. Ginger and the fun she brings. He loved glow in the dark day. He loved the puppet show. He loved every single bit of it and I loved watching him have so much fun. 

Food this month has been kind of tricky. Spain definitely complicated things. You would crush breakfast (per usual), then we'd eat a light lunch (so you'd just eat bread), we'd get you some fruit snack (grapes or strawberries) and then dinner... The Spaniards don't even open restaurants for dinner until 8:30pm! So as we waited for our dinner, you'd throw a crazy-wild fit because you were starving and then you'd either (a) be too mad to eat, (b) fall asleep or (c) crush so much bread leading up to dinner that you were no longer hungry. Then of course we'd finish the night with gelato because it was vacation after all. Did I mention that nowhere in the entire country of Spain do they have high chairs?! Most bizarre thing ever. Finally we found one at breakfast at the last place we stayed - we sat you in it and you were sooooo happy and clapped and clapped! You did not like the fact that your independence was hampered by sitting in our laps one bit.

I can not stress what an incredibly good baby you are. Our travel day home from Spain took exactly 24 hours and you literally did not cry the entire time (with the small exception of when daddy slammed your finger in the tray, but even that little cry was only for about two seconds). We literally dragged you around the world and you were nothing but agreeable. You smiled, you flirted and you insisted on being breastfed in the most awkward places (bullfight, Prado museum, the Palace... I could go on...). It was an absolute joy traveling with you - you engage people everywhere! And the most amazing thing is that they all smiled, waved, and talked to you... from the little old ladies, to the business men, to the people I would have been a little afraid of normally - you held no bias and they returned the courtesy. It was really rather amazing to me! As always, you made us extremely proud...

My New Perspective: Cooper's First Boo Boo and Easter

**I have been struggling with this post since the week before Easter. I have written, backspaced, added and edited until I can't see straight and I'm still quite sure I haven't done the story justice. But alas, I hit "Publish" and have faith that God can use the message despite the messenger's inability to write a coherent sentence. 

You know how people always say everything changes once you have a baby... well, let me tell ya, they weren't lying. Yes, you'll most likely never enjoy a long leisurely shower again and running into the grocery store "real quick" will become a thing of the past and a wild night out on the town will mean you stay out past 8:30 pm - but that's not what I'm talking about. What comes to mind when I consider how my life has changed in the past eight months are bigger, more complex things, like how I have a completely new perspective on everything in life. 

Before Cooper I felt like my job was important... and now I look at this little boy who we are responsible for raising to be a kind, humble, compassionate, happy, loving, adventurous, generous, Christ-centered man. Now I understand what having a truly important job feels like.

Before Cooper watching or reading the news was something I did daily while basically brushing all the bad, scary stuff to the side and listening for anything that might pertain to or impact me personally - like a traffic report or ball game scores. Now the news of a child being abused or abducted strikes an absolute gut wrenching fear in my stomach. The story of a tsunami or mudslide or Heaven forbid, a sink hole, millions of miles away will leave me marking that destination off our "Travel To Do" list as unsafe. People, I've become a nut, I read recall lists like it's my job. 

Before Cooper, holidays were fun times spent with our families celebrating Jesus's birth or resurrection... Now the Christmas story brings tears to my eyes as I understand the miracle of childbirth and am in awe of the Baby Jesus. And Easter, oh Easter...

I am a firm believer that God uses different events in your life to mold you, shape you, teach you. It seems that Easter brings a new lesson my way annually. A couple of years ago, God used Easter and blogging to teach me a profound lesson on forgiveness (You can read more about my fight with forgiveness here). Last year, God used pregnancy hormones and a praise and worship service to teach me about the depths of God's love portrayed through the Easter story that I had failed to grasp before (You can read about that tearful experience here.) This year, God has used my precious Cooper and his very first little boo boo as a complete game changer for Easter. Here's the story...

The weekend before Easter Brandon, Cooper and I spent the night with my parents at their lake house. To be completely open and honest, Brandon and I had been having an on-going little feud for most of the drive that was only heightened by the fact that sweet Cooper had woke up when we stopped for a quick drive thru dinner and proceeded to scream bloody murder for the remaining two hour drive. It was less than awesome. We pulled in, unloaded the car with obvious frustration and I took Cooper back to the bedroom to change him into his pajamas so that we could bring this dreadful evening to an end. 

He was feeling much better - happy to be out of his car seat, happy to have the full, undivided attention of his grandparents, happy to be in his comfy jammies... Baby boy was feeling good, stretching out and kicking his little feet like a horse that had been kept in a stall all day and was finally free to roam the pasture. The only problem was his kicking was moving my laptop dangerously close to the edge of the bed. So I sat him up, grabbed my laptop, said "Don't move." and turned to stick the laptop back in my bag... 

Well, you know how this story ends... with a "thump" and then a screaming cry. 

The Little Prince had not rolled, but instead dove, face first off the side of the bed. (Let's take a brief pause to say thank you Lord for letting us be at the lake where the bed is low and the floor is carpeted unlike at our house with wood floors and tall beds. Amen.) I snatched the little tiny up so quickly he may have suffered from whip lash following the initial injury. My mind was racing frantically - "He's screaming - that's a good sign... but it's also a bad sign, is something broke?! All his body parts are moving frantically - good sign... All of his facial features seem to have remained in tact - good sign... wait, his nose!" His little tiny nose was beat red/blue and starting to appear as though it might bleed. 

"BRANDON!!!!!!!" It's really, really nice to have a daddy that is also a doctor... more so for the Mommy than for the injured child. Brandon and I met running down the hall. I spit out the highlights - "I turned around for one second (infamous words) and he fell off the bed face first and I'm dreadfully afraid he has broken his little perfect nose on the side board of the bed! Is it broke?!" 

Brandon instantly switched into calm doctor mode and gave Cooper a quick exam. He assured me, despite the blood curdling screams coming from our Little Prince, he was just fine and his nose wasn't broke... it is still made up of cartilage that hasn't turned to bone yet... blah-blah-make-Mommy-feel-better-talk-blah. 

As soon as I was sure Cooper would live and his little face would remain perfect (once the giant carpet burn on his nose went away), I fell apart. I covered my face with my hands and burst into tears! Brandon passed the still crying Cooper over to my mom and came into the bedroom to console me... Yes, I know, a clear forfeit of the already long gone "Mother of the Year Award." 

Well, needless to say, I out cried Cooper. Not one of my proudest moments. Once I got control of myself somewhat, I went out on the patio and took Cooper from my mom... I squeezed that baby tighter than I have ever squeezed him before. Tears poured down my face as his little body melted into mine. I rocked and soothed and hugged and whispered "I love yous" and "I'm sorrys" over and over and over into his little ear. 

You know how your parents always told you that when you hurt they hurt worse... I learned in that minute that they were telling the truth. My heart felt like it had been cut wide open. It was a different type of pain that I had never felt before. Instead of putting Cooper in his pack 'n play as we normally do, he slept wrapped up tight, safe and secure, in my arms all night long. 

The love a parent has for their child is one you cannot grasp until you become a parent. What you would do for your child is something you cannot understand until you look into your baby's eyes for the first time and see the way they look at you - trust you, love you, believe that you can truly make everything alright. When I think about how much I love Cooper,  I can't help but wonder how Mary felt about her sweet baby, Jesus.

The Bible tells us that the night Mary found out she was pregnant with God's child she was very afraid... I've always assumed she was afraid because she woke up to a gigantic angel in her room - that would make me afraid! But this year I realized there there were other reasons she was afraid... She had just been told that she was pregnant by God - try explaining that one to your fiancé, not to mention the rest of the world. Maybe she felt the immense responsibility of raising JESUS, the Son of God, the Savior of the Universe - that is no doubt the most high pressure job of all time. What if she had the foresight to think of how her son would inevitably be met with hostility - criticized and mocked... Could she have possibly realized that the very people he had been sent to save would turn against him, spit on him, beat him and hang him on the cross? I hope, for her sake, she didn't think that far ahead... I hope she didn't ask the angel how it all would end... but as a mother, I know that worst case scenarios involving your child tend to occupy a large portion of your brain. 

I tend to put Mary in the "young girl in a barn with a sweet little baby Jesus" box, but this year it dawned on me that Mary was still the mommy of Jesus when he was hanging on the cross... and that changes everything. 

This Easter, I realized that I cannot begin to grasp the pain that Jesus went through for me. For my husband. For my son. For my family. For YOU... And that's what makes the gift of his life even more sweet - He did it for each and every one of us, just as He did it for Mary, his own mother.

I think it's safe to say, mothers as a whole, tend to struggle with guilt. Every time I saw that little red mark on my precious Cooper's nose, pangs of guilt hit me over and over and over. I should have never sat him on the bed. I knew better than to turn and put something away with him sitting so close to the edge. It's all my fault he fell off the bed. I could have prevented him from this pain. This year, I believe I had to feel pain so that I wouldn't take the sacrifice of the Son for granted any longer.

It is impossible for me to fathom the hurt that Mary experienced as she saw her baby hanging on the cross... I think about how much I hurt over Cooper's little skinned nose and my heart just begins to ache for Mary. The thought of seeing my son in that kind of pain makes me sick to my stomach to even think about, and then to pause and let it soak in that He died on the cross for her. He took the beating, the mocking, the lashings, the humiliation for Mary's sins, as well as the sins I have committed... To try to put myself in Mary's shoes just makes my heart feel like it's being ripped into a multitude of pieces. 

What I would give to take away any little tiny second of pain from Cooper... How Mary must have felt like she too was dying as she watched her baby hanging on that dark, heavy cross... and for her sins.  

To be completely honest, my mind still hasn't put all these feelings, emotions and thoughts into a logical order. I'm quite sure I haven't got to the bottom of what God is trying to show me this Easter as he has revealed the well known story to me from a totally new perspective, from the view point of a mother. 

But I do know this - seeing Jesus as Mary's baby made him much more real to me this year. Seeing Jesus as Mary's son made his pain, his sacrifice, have a much heavier toll on me. 

This year Mary showed me just how human Jesus was... 

Before this Easter, I had the tendency to envision Jesus just like the pictures in the children's books where his feet don't quite touch the ground and he has the big halo glow around him. This year, I saw a man who stopped to take care of his mother right before saving the whole wide world - past and present. 

This year, Jesus became real to me because I got to know his Mommy. What an overwhelming gift we have all been given... 

Jesus paid it all

All to him I owe

Sin had a left a crimson stain

He washed it white as snow.

Be Blessed,
Raegan

Sweet Memories & Cinnamon Rolls

It's 3:24 am and I'm sitting on a bar stool at my kitchen counter with the sweet smell of  gooey cinnamon rolls baking in the oven and it takes me back...

On my very first married Christmas Eve, my precious husband was scheduled to be the doctor on call at the hospital. He was bummed as it meant a long, stressful night by himself when the rest of the world was celebrating with their families. So, in hopes of surprising my groom and making a good impression on my new in-laws, I worked into the night making the Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond's, cinnamon rolls from scratch. It was a daunting and slightly intimidating task, but as you may remember I had tackled my first Thanksgiving turkey just a month before and I was up for the challenge... Plus I never go to bed in a timely fashion whenever Brandon's not home so I had a few hours to kill.

I followed the recipe and Ree's very helpful pictures meticulously and the cinnamon rolls did not disappoint... but this is not a story about middle of the night cooking disasters. The point of this rambling is to say that I specifically remember that Christmas Eve, sitting on the bar stool just as I'm doing now, waiting on the oven timer to go off and thinking about how it couldn't be possible for life to get any better. I had married the most incredible man imaginable in my dream wedding at the Ranch just a few monthes earlier. We happily lived in our first little home and  I, very proudly, felt like a grown up with my first real job that required business clothes. Brandon and I would be heading back to my hometown as soon as he got home to spend a few days with my family... Life was good.

And life was good, but tonight while I wait for the oven timer to go off, and Brandon is again on call at the hospital, something has changed. My darling husband is still the most incredible man imaginable and we still live in our first little home, but I no longer wear my pretty work clothes... This time there is a little boy sleeping in the next room. He'll probably be up soon for his middle of the night feeding. Tonight, life is a whole new level of good... I'm quite sure life can't possibly get better than this. I am so incredibly blessed.

Oh, and one more thing has changed! These cinnamon rolls are not for Christmas... These cinnamon rolls are for the baby shower welcoming my precious "nephew" and Cooper's cousin, Henry. We've been praying for him since right around the time of that Christmas Eve two years ago and sometime between this Christmas and the first few days of January our answered prayer will arrive! 

Thank you Lord for blessing me so much more than I deserve. 

Please help me always remember to be grateful... 

and thank you for cinnamon rolls. 

Be Blessed,
Raegan

A Letter to my Son {1 Month}

My precious son,

I cannot believe how quickly the last month has flown by. It feels like just yesterday your daddy and I were sitting at the hospital just staring at you in awe. In your very short time with us you have already made us better! But before I go any further, I owe you an apology... 

When you still lived in my belly I prayed over you non-stop. Every little kick, flip or squirm made me stop and tell God how thankful I was that he was blessing us with a sweet baby. I asked God to protect you, to help you grow perfectly and to help prepare your daddy and me to be the parents that He wanted us to be. Son you were truly covered in prayer, not just by me but by our entire family, way before you ever took your first breath. God answered every one of those requests just as we had asked and we thanked him repeatedly for blessing us with you.

And then it was time for you to make your grand entrance! Your daddy and I sat in the car before walking into the hospital and prayed over your arrival. We prayed for the doctor and nurses that would help usher you into the world. We prayed for me, because your mom is a very stubborn woman and wanted to have you without any medication. We prayed for your daddy because he had to deal with your mommy without medication! And we prayed for you - that everything about your birth would be nothing short of perfect. Again, God answered every one of those requests just as we had asked and we thanked him repeatedly for blessing us with you.

Then we brought you home with us and we were so excited to start this new phase of life! We mastered breast feeding. We learned not to get shot when changing diapers. We pushed through those sleepless nights. We took you places - church, ball games, restaurants. I was in high gear making sure your every need was met, doing my best to conquer this whole new mommy thing and working hard to make it all look like it was done with ease. 

Then one morning while I was feeding you and scrolling through some of my favorite blogs I came across a post talking about late night feedings. The writer explained how special that time was for her and her baby - I was with her, I love that precious quiet time that we share when all the rest of the world is asleep! The writer went on about how much she cherished the cuddles - Yes! Me too!! - and how she really appreciated having that uninterrupted time to pray over her baby - Whoa. Stop. The. Boat. Her words stopped me in my tracks... hit me like a ton of bricks... My sweet son, it embarrasses your mommy to tell you this, but I think it's important for you to hear. Your mommy had been so busy taking care of you (and being pretty proud about it) that she had forgotten to take care of the most important part. 

As your mommy, I believe my job is to care for your every need and son, I must apologize that I let your biggest, most important need slip right through the cracks. My silly pride came directly before a big ol' fall and you were the one I neglected in the mean time. More important than anything else I do for you - more important than implementing tummy time or singing lullabies or even remembering your Vitamin D drops - the single most important thing I can do for you is to pray over you. I'm sorry, so so sorry, that I let days go by that I didn't cover you from head to toe in prayer. How in the world I got so busy that I forgot to pray for you is absolutely beyond me, but I did. However, I can assure you of one thing, mommy has been making up for lost time! 

Pops taught me when I was very little that he didn't promise unless he absolutely, 100% meant it and that when he did promise, I could count on him to do everything in his power to keep that promise. I think that's a pretty good rule so I'm choosing to do the same thing with you. I will never promise lightly. I will only promise when I absolutely, positively, 100% mean it and when I do promise, Cooper King, you can count on the fact that I will do everything in my power to keep that promise. So today, I am making my very first promise to you:

I promise to never let another day go by without praying for you.

On your first Sunday of life we took you to LifeChurch. The pastor, Craig Groeschel, said something that day that I believe was meant specifically for me to hear. He said, "Your greatest contribution to the Kingdom of God may not be something you do, but someone you raise." I truly believe, with my whole heart, that my life calling is to raise you to be a man after God's heart. That job comes with a lot of responsibility and I know mistakes on my part are inevitable, but I am going to do my very best - I will never let a day go by without praying for you. I will watch for teachable moments. I will spend time reading God's word to you and with you. And most importantly, your daddy and I are going to do our best to show you what being a true follower of Christ looks like through our lives. 

Precious boy, I am praying non-stop that the evidence of God's love and forgiveness and mercy will always shine through me so that you will eagerly seek after Him. I pray that God gives me strength and wisdom and guidance to show me how to raise you in a way that you never question His love for you. And I will thank Him, oh, how I will thank Him for letting me be your mommy. You are the very best gift and we are so honored He chose us to be your parents.

So, again, I'm sorry I messed up... it won't be the last time. Thank you for making me want to be a better lover of Jesus... You've only been here a month and you're already making me better! I love you precious boy...

All my love,

Mommy

One Month Milestones:

Eye Color - Steel blue, almost gray

Weight - A little over 10 pounds

Height - We haven't measured you since you were born but I can tell you are growing because when I lay you in my lap you only fit from your head to your bottom, your legs have to come up! 

Clothing - You can wear a few newborn clothes, but mainly everything is 0-3 months. You fit the newborns perfectly in width but you are wayyy too long for the snaps or leggings. In the 0-3 months everything fits you length wise, but is way too wide. Trust me on this one, in the long run, this is a great problem to have!

Nicknames - Currently I refer to you as "little bird" because you always have your mouth open just like a baby bird looking to be fed.

Sleep - We have not yet attempted to put you on a schedule (mainly because mommy and daddy don't want to be put on a schedule!) but you're sleeping well! You sleep anywhere from 3-4 hours at a time at night, occasionally more. There are a few nights, I think when you are hitting a growth spurt that you are hungry almost every hour... those aren't my favorite, but we've survived them! Thankfully they are few and far between.

Hair - You haven't lost any hair with one small exception - the spot right behind your cowlick. I have no clue what caused that part to fall out, as you clearly haven't been sleeping on the front of your head, but it is a definite bald spot. Luckily, with a little creative combing we cover it up pretty nicely. Daddy thinks your hair is getting lighter, but I think your daddy is losing it... I would describe your hair as very dark brown to black and you have lots of it! You could probably use a bit of a trim in the back but I don't see that happening any time soon... 

You LOVE your hands. They move non-stop! You cross your hands while eating which is pretty darn cute. On the rare occasion that you get upset in the car, I can reach back over the car seat and you will hold one of my fingers with one hand and you will stop crying (melts mommy's heart!). You interlace your fingers with no problem and thankfully, you've stopped trying to get your thumb in your mouth... something I worried about at the start! You also want your hands free while you sleep so we start your swaddle under the arms. 

You have been lifting your head since the day you were born! You've always had remarkable head control and you were apparently very interested to see what was going on since day one. You will just pull your head up, keep it very steady while check everything out and either keep watching or if you aren't completely enamored, lay your head back down. 

You smile more than any baby I've ever seen! You smile while you sleep, while you are awake and when tickled. On the flip side, your pout before you cry is absolutely hysterical. You are the king of sticking that bottom lip wayyyyy out! We feel bad laughing at you while you are crying but we can't help ourselves.

You are just starting to coo and it sounds like you say "Wow" or "Whoa." You've now said both with completely perfect timing twice! Once immediately after Grandpa had told us about a surprising cost on a part of the new house he is building and once when Pops was driving a little recklessly. You have impeccable timing already! Haha!

You love to be cuddled and it makes everyone so happy! Everyone wants to hold you and rock you and you are all for it! You prefer to fall asleep laying chest to chest on me or daddy. You tuck your little feet up and turn your head to one side, resting it on your hands and out you go! 

You are a very good baby and we are so thankful. We can strap you in the back seat and drive for days and you just happily ride along. We can take you to restaurants, church, wherever and you rarely ever fuss (unless you are hungry). You are making us look like we know what we are doing and we appreciate it! Ha! Just know that whether your the best baby in the world or the worst, your mommy and daddy love you more than you can imagine.

My New Perspective: God's Love

I fear that soon (if it's not already too late) this blog will be smothered in baby-talk overload, but I can't stop myself! I see everything with a new perspective... Work has become simply what it always was, "just a job" although I didn't realize it until now. When trying to pick a car, it's now all about the safety features, less about the cool gadgets or sweet rims. Even shopping has changed, I haven't seen the inside of a mall in months, but I can give you all the details on who carries the cutest little tiny man clothes. The list goes on and on...

The most profound change, the concept my emotions couldn't really grasp, the thing I have taken so for granted until now was God's love for us... for me.

I debated writing this post because (a) I don't want to get all preachy on you, (b) realistically my understanding and grasp on this concept is still very childlike, it's something I'll never truly be able to comprehend, and most importantly (c) I can't begin to do God's love justice with my words. So I put it off. I waited a week or two. But it keeps coming back to me. Today while procrastinating from writing tomorrow's post, I was flipping through this month's Southern Living and saw this quote:

"Motherhood often means being blindsided by 

grief and grace, sometimes both at once"

~Allison Glock, The Moments

 

 

She got me... That was exactly the clash of emotion I felt in church a few weeks ago. I was that crazy lady with tears rolling down my face during praise and worship, the one you feel so sad for because clearly something is wrong or hard or upsetting. I was that person I've said a quick silent prayer for - "Lord be with that poor woman in whatever she is going through. Let her feel your love." - as I witnessed her tears fall. But here's the ironic part, my tears were not a result of something bad, my tears were because I felt God's love like I've never felt it before. Funny because the stranger ladies I've prayed for in the past may have actually been praying for me at the exact same time - "Lord be with that girl that's just enjoying this pretty song. Let her feel your love."

 

Bear with me as I'm going to do my best to explain. Hopefully, if you're a parent you'll know exactly what I'm talking about... And if you aren't a parent yet, maybe, just maybe you'll get a quick little glimpse into what amazing love looks like. And maybe not... This feeling or realization that I experienced didn't stem from hearing something new for the first time, it was a direct result of a new type of love that I'm experiencing. There is a good chance you won't be able to "get it" until you're experiencing it yourself, but nevertheless I'll give it my best shot.

 

So I was singing along to a song we've sang at LifeChurch many, many times and the words started to sink in...

 

Your love never fails,

it never gives up,

it never runs out on me.

~Jesus Culture, One Thing Remains

 

I thought about that as I continued to sing - never fails, never gives up, never runs out... and my heart acknowledged that was the type of love I've experienced from my parents and family my whole life... The same type of love that Brandon has shown me time and time again. This was nothing new, but something that I've been blessed to have been the recipient of since my first breath. And then realization #1 struck - this is how I will feel about our Cooper. My love for him will never fail. My love will never give up on him. My love for him will never, ever run out. Regardless of how good or bad he acts. No matter if he becomes a preacher or a drug dealer. No matter if he tells me daily that he loves me or if he refuses to speak to me for years at a time. My love will NEVER stop for him. It is not conditional in any way, shape or form. He can do nothing to cause it to end and he doesn't have to do anything to make it start. It is exactly what it is - a love so big, so true, so genuine that it never fails, never gives up and never runs out. And my heart felt so full that I thought it might explode right out of my chest...

 

And then came realization #2 - God loves me just like that and SO MUCH MORE. I can do nothing to cause it to end and I didn't have to do anything to make it start. His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. Wow. And my heart felt so overwhelmed by this gift that I thought it might explode right out of my chest...

 

I was still just standing there in complete awe with this warm fuzzy feeling when the next song started...

 

So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned,

 

and I'm feeling it... I was raised in an old school Baptist church... I'm not an "arms high" type of praiser, but I was seriously considering it at this point.

 

in awe of the One who gave it all.

 

Hit the brakes! Stop! Whoa!! Don't go any further... What did that just say? "In awe of the One who gave it all."

 

Again this is not a new concept for me. I know how this goes frontwards and back. It's the first verse you learn in Bible School when you aren't even in first grade yet. It's the story we hear every Easter. It's the little silver cross necklace we wear or the key chain we've had since seventh grade.

 

For God so loved the world

that he gave his only son,

that whosoever believes in Him

 will not perish but have eternal life.

~John 3:16

 

See, you know that one... But let's break it down a little bit:

 

"For God so loved the world..." Okay, got that part - God loves me, you and everybody else (See realization #1 and #2 above).

 

"...that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life." This is the hurdle most people struggle with. All you have to do is believe in Him and you get eternal life? Yes. Yes, you read that correctly. You don't have to become a missionary. You aren't required to memorize 100 Bible verses. You don't have to attend every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night church service for the rest of time. You just have to admit you're a sinner, believe that God sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross to pay for your sins and confess that He is Lord of your life. It's seriously that easy. Alright, so I got that taken care of yearsssss ago. But wait, did I just miss something?

 

"...that he gave his only son..." Oh yeah, that's the part that totally got me. In awe of the One who gave it all. There's your understatement of the day.

 

Remember realization #1 - the part where I love Cooper so much that my heart was about to explode? Well realization #3 hit when I thought about this verse, this song, this Easter story, this cross I've carried since 7th grade, and I thought about how God loved me - a little small town girl from Oklahoma - so much that he SENT (not let his son, not allowed his son, but SENT, DIRECTED, MADE his son), his Cooper, to die on a big, painful, ugly cross so that I - little ol' Raegan King, a sinner who will never be worthy of this gift - could have eternal life.

 

Wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. Let that sink in... Re-read... Re-read it again.

 

As a parent/spouse/sister, you would step in front of a train for your child/spouse/little brother or sister without thinking twice. You would take a bullet, you would try to move a mountain... you would never fail, never give up, never run out on them. We're talking about serious, unconditional, fall on the sword type of love for someone. God has that for me and for you and for every single person out there that he sacrificed his most special, most loved, most perfect, treasured possession for us. He gave Jesus, his son, his Cooper for me. And for you.

And the song finished, but the tears continued...
 

I'll stand, my soul Lord to you surrender,

all I am is yours.

~Hillsong, I'll Stand

I can't shake it. I can't explain it. But I want to try to share it... I've always known God loved me. I have always been a firm believer in this, in my salvation. But today, I have a new perspective. Today, I came a little closer to understanding God's love. I am blindsided by grief over God's sacrifice and the undeserved grace that resulted from it. I could not be more humbled... more thankful... more in awe.

Be Blessed.
Raegan

Love & Marriage: Making Your Marriage A Priority

Date night at an outdoor concert

We are in the third week of Love & Marriage link up! If you missed the earlier posts, you can find Week 1: In the Beginning here and Week 2: For Better or For Worse here. I've really enjoyed writing these because they have really made me sit down and think... I take a stab at  what I think works best, what the hardest parts are, etc and then then I ask Brandon to see if we are on the same page or if I'm off chasing rabbits. So far - same page! Yay! It's nice to know that you are both thinking along the same lines about your marriage...

 

As for making your marriage a priority... The questions raised were along the lines of how do we keep our marriage interesting? How do we focus on us? How do we keep from being distracted?

One of Brandon's favorite things...
He's happy when I go even if I just sit there and work on my sun tan!

Well to be real honest, I'm not the least bit qualified to answer this... Ask me again in nine months when I've got a 6 month old on my hands! Currently our biggest distraction from our marriage is our crazy schedule - between Brandon's ever-changing residency calendar, my nine million law school events and my I-can't-stop-myself habit of planning a party/get-together/dinner date/whatever every week, we end up with a surprisingly small amount of alone time.

 

Date night at the movies

I have a wise friend who once told me, "If the devil can't make you bad, he'll make you busy." I couldn't agree more! The devil does his very best to keep us so crazy busy... Just one morning at home sounds so incredibly tempting, even if it means missing Sunday morning church. I selfishly look forward to a night Brandon is on call so I can be home all by myself and have no interruptions while cleaning, doing laundry, etc. And worse of all, on the few off nights that we are home at a decent hour we sit in front of a tv to eat dinner while watching our "shows" - that's great for conversation, let me tell you! 

Boomer Sooner!

Having realized how quickly we can loose touch with each other, we've done our best to focus on a few things in order to combat the busy disease.

Rylee is our only car time distraction allowed!

#1. We try to ride in the car together as often as possible - no phone calls, radio or social media allowed. Sometimes this means Brandon drives home from OKC only to turn around, get in the car with me and drive back, but we think it's worth the extra gas. Obviously, there are exceptions, but we do our best to be in the car together without interruption. Since we started dating, the 2.5 hour drive to my hometown was always something we looked forward to... great discussions occur while you're sitting still!

We love a little get away to the lake...

#2. Go somewhere and just get away! Right now the only thing that has slowed us down on this one is our number of days off and, you know, it costs money to go somewhere... I realize that in a few months with Cooper's arrival, packing our bags and hopping on a plane won't be nearly as easy but it is our goal to continue to get away from the craziness that is life. We try to schedule some sort of get-away every quarter. It doesn't have to be an elaborate trip to Europe, we've loved mini-road trips to Dallas or just staying the weekend at my parents' lake cabin! Just go someplace where you can be with your spouse and enjoy each other's company. I think you could ask either of us about our favorite part of traveling and we'd agree that it's the thrill of walking around some place new holding hands, talking and just being together.

Reminder on my phone that Brandon secretly set so that
I would know he was thinking about me while he was at work.

#3. Flirt with each other. I realize this sounds obvious, but I truly believe so many couples flirt, start dating, get engaged, get married and then just go through the day-to-day... Last time I checked there was no rule against flirting with your spouse once you were married! Flirting doesn't have to cost money! I can't tell you how giddy I get to find a little love note propped up on the kitchen sink! Send a sweet text in the middle of the day... Bake a delicious treat for you hubby just because you know he loves peanut butter... Plan a surprise date... ASK your husband to help you not throw like a girl and then go play catch in the backyard... Google "Rick Reilly articles," read a few (they are about sports, but you'll enjoy them promise!) and then surprise your husband by being able to have a somewhat intelligent conversation about the Masters or the NBA playoffs... Take off those yoga pants, put on some make up and try just a little... When you're just sitting around watching tv, go cuddle on the couch even if it means you don't get to sit in the most comfortable chair! I promise that not only will he appreciate your efforts, but he'll most likely return the favor. {MEN if you are reading this - stop at the grocery store and bring home some tulips. They don't have to cost a fortune or even be in a vase, it's the thought that counts! Make your wife feel special!}

See our smiles? They are there because we're waiting to board a flight to paradise!

#4. Pray for your marriage. There is ALWAYS room for improvement... Pray that God shows you ways you can be a better spouse. Pray that God strengthens and blesses your relationship. Pray that God opens communication or takes away any barriers that you and your spouse have that prevent you from being the best wife/husband possible. Pray that through your marriage you will be an example for others to see Christ's love for us. Just pray, pray and then pray some more! Remember that there is no person, thing or hobby that should trump your husband on the priority list other than God. He is our #1. Your spouse is your #2.

 

 

Again, I don't claim to know it all... I claim to know very little! But these are the things I believe... You have to be willing to work hard on your marriage, it is worth it! It isn't always easy, but typically the best things in life don't come free of charge. Brandon and I work hard every single day - some days it's definitely easier than others... but don't give up! Life is not always a fairytale and nobody ever should have told you it was - we have things that we struggle with, things that we fight over and things that try to cause us harm, but if we keep our priorities in order life together will always be good at the end of the day!

 

Be Blessed!

Raegan