The Late Night Musings of a Soon-To-Be Momma

I can't sleep. 

If you've been keeping up with my Bumpdates you know that this is rare for me. Momma is a really, really good sleeper... but not tonight... and it's even raining outside - perfect sleep weather!

I'm wide awake. 

Bowl of grapes - empty. I've now moved on to the family sized bag of M&Ms I keep by my bed... When your morning starts off with a handful of M&Ms you know it's going to be a good day people. You should try it.

Eyes wide open. 

The only person other than me posting "new pins" on Pinterest right now is my friend who is a local morning newscaster... this is a bad sign.

Sleep is not coming.

And you know what? I'm kind of fine with that. 

My head has been spinning the last few nights trying to get a grasp on what's about to go down at the King house. I'm making last minute to-do list like it's my job. "Show Zac how to get his electric, water, cable/internet switched into his name... Write thank you cards... Buy more diapers... Finish any random craft project that have been put off in the last two years... Re-sweep all floors... Wrap your head around the fact that you are about to be a mom..." You know, just little stuff. 

Realistically, my to-do lists aren't always super do-able. How do you even begin to grasp becoming a parent? 

I can't, I've tried... like a million times, trust me.

I'm not scared. I'm not nervous. I'm not anxious or jittery. I'm just kind of in limbo on where my head stands about the whole situation. Don't get me wrong - obviously, I'm excited! I've been counting down the days for nine, almost ten, months now! Okay, realistically, I've been counting down the days for this my whole life - being a mom is what I've always wanted to be more than anything. But now that the time is almost here...

I'm just a touch overwhelmed. 

Not by the thought of late night feedings or diaper duty or even the painful process of giving birth. I'm overwhelmed by having the head knowledge that I'm about to love this little tiny baby boy more than life itself... 

Let me explain:

Since the minute my baby brother was born, I loved him more than any other person in the world. I would do anything for him without thinking twice or hesitating. I've always felt that it was my responsibility to take care of him, protect him. He has always been my very best friend. 

Then came Brandon... 

My brother's closing line during his speech at our wedding was a precious, but painful one: 

"Today is the day my best friend gets a new best friend." 

It was such a statement of heartbreaking truth. Zac and I both knew this was supposed to happen, your spouse is supposed to be your partner, your best friend, your other half - nevertheless it hurt my heart to hear him acknowledge the fact that it was exactly what was taking place. I didn't want him to notice. I didn't want him to feel it. I kind of felt like I was cheating on him...

For the last two years, Brandon and I have fallen more and more head over heels for each other every single day. Our marriage has been richly blessed with more joy and happiness and love than I knew was possible. Our life together couldn't get much better. We are happy... not kind of happy or happy some days... really, truly, genuinely happy. I love the sweet man sleeping down the hall more than I could have ever imagined. I would do anything in the world for him. I pray over him daily. My heart yearns to please him. He is the very best thing that has ever happened to me. 

And now Cooper is coming... CHANGE is coming...

I have the heart knowledge that tells me very simply that just because I love Brandon doesn't mean that I love Zac any less... it's just a different type of love... and just because I will love Cooper, doesn't mean that I will love Brandon any less... it will be a different type of love as well. My love will simply grow, it will multiply, it will change. 

My heart believes that, but my head hasn't quite got there yet. My head is just a tad bit scared of change. 

My head says life with Brandon is already too good to be true, how could it possibly be any better? My heart says, relax and have faith that it will. 

"Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?" ~Matthew 8:26 

My head says be careful not to mess up a good thing. My heart says God gave you this precious gift in His timing. God doesn't make mistakes. In Max Lucado's book, Fearless, he reminds us, "Fear corrodes our confidence in God's goodness."

"Why are you frightened?" he asked. "Why is your heart filled with doubt?" ~Luke 24:38 

My head says you better figure all of this out quick, Cooper could show up any day and you won't be ready. You'll still be processing and it's going to put some serious ripples in your calm water. My heart says you don't have to have it all figured out... You CAN'T grasp it yet... Just be patient, God's got this.

"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart.

And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give.

So don't be troubled or afraid."

~John 14:27

So, tonight I am done with my worrying, my attempting to process, my fear and my desire to have all my ducks in a row. I am focusing on one thing and one thing only:

"When everything else changes, 

God's presence never does."

                                                             ~Max Lucado, Fearless

I am so very thankful to have a God who is bigger than all my anxieties. A God who I know has it all figured out, so I don't have to. A God that gave us hearts that are designed for really, really big love - love that is bigger than our little tiny brains can fathom. He's got this, so I don't have to... 

The sun is rising. 

Morning is here.

The cutest, sleepy face I've ever seen just peeked around the corner to the office where I'm sitting and asked that I come back to bed... so I will. I want to cherish every last minute of this stage of happy. It could change at any time - but I am confident it will only get better. 

Be Blessed,

Raegan