That Pull At My Heart That I Can No Longer Ignore

I have a confession...

I have been selfish with my time lately.

I have been blatantly ignoring God.

I have been argumentative with my husband as he tries to encourage me.

I have continued to put off what I know I need to actively pursue.

All of these things have been happening in my life because of two little things...

fear.

self-doubt.

Let me chase a little rabbit and fill you guys in on a bit of the back story... My entire life I wanted to be a pediatrician.  In kindergarten I asked my teacher how to spell the word "pediatrician" and I practiced and practiced until I had it memorized.  There was never any other dream or thought or back up plan. I arrived at OU and signed myself up for a zoology major (This is the typical pre-med route at OU since they don't have a biology major). Classes were difficult and while my sorority sisters were out enjoying college life, I was stuck in "the nook" studying. I did fine, my grades were good and although it took a lot of hard work, I didn't resent it... I was doing what was necessary to fulfill my dreams. 

I'll never forget the night I was sitting in my bed talking to my dear friend/roommate and it dawned on me that maybe being a pediatrician wasn't my calling. I was a second semester junior and it had nothing to do with studying or organic chemistry, I had already made it three years... it had everything to do with my priorities. For the first time, I slowed down to do the math - I was 22, I would graduate college at 23. I would then go to medical school until I was 27. Next I'd have to do residency, which meant I'd be 30 before I really even got started. At the time I knew Brandon, but I definitely didn't know Brandon would be my husband... at the time there were no potential husbands even on the radar but I could see by doing the math that if I did get married during that medical training whirlwind there was no way I was going to be having babies until at least 30... and honestly once I FINALLY got out, I wasn't sure I would want to put my career on hold to go be the mother I would inevitably want to be. This left me with a really big dilemma, I could ditch my dream and someday have my own children or stick with the plan and spend the rest of my life taking care of everyone else's.

Well, as you know, I chose option one. This was not a decision I made lightly, nor was it one that I was very excited about telling my parents. My mom and dad (Well, entire family for that matter) have always been 110% supportive of my dreams and goals whether it was to be an elite gymnast when I was little (even though at 5'7" it was clear "gymnast" was not in my future for long) or to be a doctor, my parents have put in whatever it took (time, money, prayer or just constant words of encouragement) to help me accomplish my desires. This included multiple times of talking me off the ledge of bailing on the med school dream when a really scary test was approaching. And THAT was exactly what I was afraid of... I was afraid they were going to think I was a quitter. I was afraid they were going to think I was just making this decision because I didn't want to miss out on all the college fun. I was afraid they were going to think that I was just tired of all the pressure. Those were easy things to be afraid of because I knew they knew I didn't have a back up plan... this girl NEVER goes without a plan. The thought of not knowing what the next step was terrified me... I'd stayed right on track with the plan since KINDERGARTEN! So, I bit the bullet and called my parents. I swear to you, my parents should write a book. They are parenting geniuses. I've thrown some pretty stressful stuff at them over the years and they have always handled every situation with grace and love and wisdom. And they did this time too. They told me to sleep on it, pray about it and ask God to show me His perfect plan for my life, that His plan wouldn't be muddied by my agenda. So I did and even though they didn't say it, I'm positive they prayed the same things too.

Hang in there, I'm finally getting to the point. It wasn't two days later that I was sitting in our room watching the news and saw the tragic story of little Kelsey Smith-Briggs. She was a three year old child that died as a result of abuse by her mother and step-father after DHS recommended that she not be placed back in their home. I vividly remember seeing video of this precious little girl wearing TWO casts because both her legs had been broken. I clearly remember my thoughts were, "The best pediatrician in the world couldn't fix that little girl's problems... but an attorney could have." Shortly after, one of our family friends had problems getting pregnant. She and her husband tried every medical procedure out there. As much as they longed for a baby, modern day medicine couldn't give them one... but guess what? Their attorney did! He helped them adopt an adorable little boy that I guarantee has received more love and attention than most people can imagine.

In a week's time God had showed me the next step in HIS plan... a plan that was much better than mine. I was supposed to become an attorney. It was a job where I could fulfill my passion of helping children, but not sacrifice the joy of having my own someday. It was a perfect fit!

Now, fast forward to today. I put in my three years at law school (and guess what? God blessed me, law came much easier to me than chemistry!) and passed the dreaded Bar Examine. I am an attorney, but now I am facing a new hurdle, one of my toughest yet... MYSELF. I am being selfish with my time, blatantly ignoring God, being argumentative with my husband as he tries to encourage me and continuing to put off what I know I need to actively pursue.

I believe God has called me to help others through Adoption Law, yet my fear and self-doubt have prevented me from following His plan. Now, don't get me wrong... I also believe God has put me in my current job! This is a job where I've learned some very valuable skills and lessons, where I've been surrounded by amazing people, built wonderful relationships and where I've had a whole lot of fun. I have no plans of leaving OU anytime soon. But at the same time, God has placed people in my life to help me learn the skills of an adoption attorney with very little risks. Brandon's aunt, who happens to be an adoption/child protection attorney, has very generously invited me to sit in and observe some of her casework and learn the ropes. A friend from the law school, who happens to have done all the legal work when she and her husband made the decision to adopt, has sweetly sent me the form books so that I could have them without having to dig for them or pay for them. My wonderful husband, who happens to believe in me and support me just as much as my sweet parents, has tried diligently to encourage me to get my feet wet in this legal process. But because I have never been a "real lawyer" I have fear. Because I worry that I might mess something up and cause a hardship to a family that I want to help, I have self-doubt.

Oh, how small my faith can be sometimes.

So, today, I'm writing this post so that I can be held accountable.

{I have been selfish with my time lately.}

     I am sharing my fears and self-doubt so that I'll be motivated to face them and not just coast or waste my time with unimportant things.

{I have been blatantly ignoring God.}

     I have confessed my short comings so that you can know, and hopefully see first hand, that God is a patient God... One that gives second chances, that loves you even when you put Him aside and above all, is a God of forgiveness and mercy and grace. He has a perfect plan for each and every one of us and if we are faithful... if we will stop and listen... He will show us that perfect plan, and trust me, His plan has ALWAYS been far beyond my greatest expectations!  

{I have been argumentative with my husband as he tries to encourage me.}

     I have told on myself so that my husband will know that I am thankful for him - thankful for his support, thankful for his encouragement, thankful for his soft nudging when I need to be doing something differently and very sorry that I've reacted harshly when he pushed to make me better by doing something that I was fearful of facing. Thank you darling, you are doing your job of husband very, very well.

{I have continued to put off what I know I need to actively pursue.}

     And finally, I told you guys this to let you know that I'm starting a new chapter... I'm opening up that big ol' adoption form book and I'm going to start reading and researching and learning and pushing myself. Right now, I know a precious couple that needs a good attorney to help them bring home a baby to love and adore... that's me.

*My special request is that you all pray for me as I start this journey. Pray that God gives me wisdom and confidence. That I am able to learn the things that are most important to the adoption process and then be diligent in refining the smaller skills so that I leave no stone unturned. Thank you for your constant support and love.

Be Blessed!

Raegan